Thursday, December 27, 2012

Reminder of your Riches


I had to detour from my “Decade of Dissabration” to share this story today. I feel kinda stongly about it.

Holidays are rough for everyone for one reason or another:

-          Reminders of family members that have passed on

-          Being single and no one to do all the holiday-ish thingies with

-          Blaring pressure  and glaring reminders of not having enough money with all the secret santas, Christmas parties, new years eve parties, catching up with friends (and of course everything is done over food), baby sitters for your crumb snatchers, gas money to drive to dozens of events and family/friends houses, food to cook, weddings to attend/purchase gifts for

-          People that are freshly divorced or broken up and its their first holiday without the significant other

-          Forced reflection upon how successful or unsuccessful /happy o unhappy the past year has been

So that being said, the enemy or forget that joker we ourselves, can slip into a funk. Again, let my life be a road map for you lol. Let’s read about my funk shall we? Oh come on, you know we like hearing about drama of any kind. It’ll only take a second.

So the scene enters with me this morning at my 2nd job. It’s going ok my 1st hour there. I’m starting to get my groove. And then in walks the store manager. I’m somewhat on her bad side right now due to an alleged no call no show (for a place that doesn’t have a vm and no one answers the phone but I digress lol). So yeah in she comes. We’re all shocked as it is because it’s 6am! She does not work or come in this early to check on us. First words to me are “where’s your belt?” I’m like aha I got her! I say “you said you don’t have to wear belts unless your pants have loops.” She says “THOSE have loops.” And I do a no look feel, and sure enough they have loops. #cussapropriatemoment

I say I am sorry I guess I was rushing and grabbed the wrong black pants #truestorytho

She says, “well we’re having visitors at 7 so you’ll have to leave then.” Sighhhh (the sigh was me not her)

But no this is not where the funk slip begins. It’s what happens after this. For some reason this morning, we had no customers in the lobby area. And the hazing began. Out of everyone there she kept sending me out to the keep busy tasks. Let me just say I think my regular manager had me a little spoiled ya know? if there’s nothing to do, she just has me make sure everything’s full, that tables are wiped off, that trays are gathered, and bag up food for the drive thru person.

But not this manager. First she sends me to wash the windows. Then I get back and she says, now can you make sure the bathrooms are stocked. I go to them and I promise I don’t even know what I’m looking for except for if there’s toilet paper and soap. So I check that and I ask her if there’s anything else. She tells me, to WIPE DOWN THE BATHROOM WALLS and make sure I spend extra time under the dryer. And let me just say I wasn’t even mad at her persay because that’s the job. And before I started this job I was like ok I see you Colossians 3:23.

But when I was in the men’s bathroom, scrubbing the wall. I thought about my getting valedictorian, I thought about my bachelor’s degree, I thought about the jobs I had that I was making twice as much and got downsized from, and THE FUNK ensued. I was like God, was it all for this? All that darn hard work for this?!?

Most time I just suck it up and do what I gotta do, but in that men’s bathroom I had a full on MOMENT. I mean I was in a movie with full sad mood music in the background, the montage flashback and all.

Moments like those are why I know God is real. Because it was only because of him that I didn’t just walk out you know?

So she send me on home at like 645a with a reminder to wear my belt next time and I go home and work out a little before I head to my main job.

It hit me while I was venting to one of my besties (that’s why it’s so important to be silent when a friend is talking to you because they can sometimes work their own way to the answer) about how weary I was getting and how I don’t feel I have anything to show for my hard work. It dawned on me, that I’ve really only had 2 major continuous thorns: money and relationships.

I proceeded to think of EVERYTHING ELSE that was going right. Things I have that people all over are praying for and wishing for that has just become my norm.

-          I have a great church home and radical pastors that care about their flock

-          I have never been sick or injured in my life

-          My parents are healthy and very involved in my ilfe

-          I have the best friends on the planet, the kind that support all my endeavors, will be a shoulder to cry on, they let me be me and they don’t separate themselves when I have rough times and give of themselves in every capacity possible (financially, emotionally, spiritually etc…)

-          I have 2 jobs and some people are not able to find one

-          I have multiple gifts and talents and God has given me the boldness to walk and operate in all of them

So I challenge you to examine your life. And whenever you start to feel “poor” in an area, look around and see what riches you are so used to possessing that you don’t even look at anymore.

Kinda like an Arabian princess that is so use to the billions her daddy has that she would dare to say her life sucks just because she is lacking, oh I dunno multiple friends. We may say, “excuse me while I don’t feel sorry for  you as you sit in a million dollar estate.”

Someone can look at us and say, ”excuse me while you’re whining over a job while I look for one.” “or boo hoo you didn’t have a date to the Christmas party. I don’t have legs so its even harder for me to find love.”

LET US ALL MAKE AN EFFORT TO NOT GET SO TIED UP IN THE MATERIAL THINGS AND GET MORE TIED UP IN, LORD AM I PLEASING IN YOUR SITE TODAY? THEN TODAY WASN’T A BAD DAY AFTER ALL.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

What God says versus What I said versus What makes sense: Balancing it all


This will show you why you should never let fear be your god. Fear isn’t a very good god. Trust me I served it for quite awhile. It didn’t’ answer any prayers, I talked to it and it didn’t talk back. It didn’t provide for me or make ways for me. And worst of all, it serving it made me weaker not stronger.

See how fear of being broke, fear of being illogical and fear of the unknown effected me.
So let’s see what you all can learn from my education/career journey.

The M’s: Medical, Massage and Money
Let me start by saying, I am a scientist at heart. I like calculating, measuring, math, symmetry, structure, repetitiveness.

Science classes were always my favorite classes and I knew I love helping people, so for me it was a no brainer to become a doctor.
It’s  funny isn’t it, how something as serious as what you’re going to do for the rest of your life, you’re supposed to know at the right old age of 17 or 18, when you haven’t even lived.

Nevertheless, in 2001, off to UNF I went, I majored in psychology, and started taking the pre-med classes.
Along the way I fell in love with the idea of pharmacy and got a job in that arena. I took the PCAT and scored fairly well. I wanted to still live in Jacksonville though and go to pharmacy school. To me that’s where my life was: my ministry, my man, my family. I figured I had 2 shots: FAMU satellite school and UF satellite school. I applied to UF, didn’t get in. I applied to FAMU, kept getting run around and wasn’t sure where I stood. They even said they lost my paperwork and said I had to resend it.  So by august I had accepted the idea it wasn’t happening. THEN they called me the day before I needed to be there for an interview. But I was kinda over it.  But as you know, life is much more than just what is happening in class.

Meanwhile, I began to struggle with supporting myself in school. There were a few bills, the other part of my tuition that bright futures didn’t cover, and my loan covered room and board but not much else.I kept running into the problem, of having a job, but if my class schedule changed and the job I had couldn’t accommodate me, then there was a dilemma.
WHAT MADE SENSE to me, was getting a job that I could make my own schedule. I could make money as I finished school & it was something I always wanted to do anyway to help my mom out. She always had me working on her. So I had the bright idea of going to school for massage.

So in 2005. I leave UNF for a year, get my massage therapist certification, get my state license, get business cards, brochures, a website, purchase a table, market myself, did promotional things around holidays… and uh, well short of a handful of people, it did not blossom! My target was “my people” and who knew that that many black people were funny about nudity or being touched.
So then, I looked to resorts/spas, well we only have 3. Ritz at Amelia Island, Ponte Vedra Club and the Marriot Sawgrass. I applied to Amelia and didn’t get it. Marriot wasn’t hiring. Ponte Vedra only need on call.

So then, I tried chiropractor’s offices. Again, only needed on call help. However, one of my teachers had recently started her own clinic, focusing on neuromuscular massage. She picked me and my white sister to intern for her and I definitely learned a lot. Didn’t make much money though. And it closed down soon after. Meanwhile I the steady income I had while I worked on this endeavor, had closed their Jacksonville location, and I found a job inside a furniture store that worked with my UNF school schedule. Just another attempt to make the best of the current situation.
The Birth of a Performing Artist

Behind the scenes of all this, God had been really getting my attention. It’s funny how he will allow all your plans to go arry, and let things fall apart so for once instead of looking around, you’ll look up.
Anytime I would hear something on the radio, I would instantly start forming choreography for it in my head.

I would go to sleep and I would dream dance pieces. I never let it go any further. I mean I was a scientific person not creative. I just ignored it for awhile.
I mean I figured, as long as I was serving it didn’t matter how. I was on new members ministry and I had also joined a community choir led by my brother Kavin. I loved to sing and I loved the fellowship.

But I guess my time ran out. And he wouldn’t let me run from it anymore. He let me know in so many terms that dance was going to be apart of my future in a major way. But then there came the question of WTH??? I am not built like a dancer. I haven’t been dancing since I was 3. And I can barely afford my bills so how am I going to afford dance classes? THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. Why would you start giving me a passion for something that its clear you didn't create me to do. i am the antithesis of a dancer God. Nobody would look at me and say oh she looks like a dancer.
NOTE: when God speaks to you about your calling, use your memory, its probably not the first time you felt the tug for what he is saying. forget the fact that i had been dancing in church since middle school. that i dance and sang in plays at school, that in high school i choreographed and performed as entertainment for our school male pageant, or that i danced with my marching band, or that i danced as my talent for the Ms. Black and Gold pageant. no, apparently according to me, this dance thing was all out of the blue.
Still, that wasn't on my mind and I felt like science was my thing, but I realized that things were going to keep falling apart until I listened. So in 2006 I left the singing group and my church's new members ministry and I joined my church’s dance ministry and at the right old age of 23, I joined a local Christian dance studio. More about my dance journey later.

Back to “my plan”
So b/c God is blaring about dance, I gave him a bone. And I kept on with my plan. I got my degree in Biology, and since pharmacy nor massage worked out, I looked for jobs that required a degree/was in science.

My line sister sent me an application to Vistakon, research and development. And in January 2008 I got my first grown up job right of out school! Making $15 bucks an hour, related to my major. FINALLY things were on my side! 
I had so many plans. Taking more dance class, start paying on some loans, build up a savings, etc.. etc… I was on my way. And then, the rumors started. Business is down, they’re going to be making cuts in R & D. yeah, 10 months later I said good bye to Vistakon, or rather, vistakon said goodbye to me. I was still living paycheck to pay check, so taking the time to find something else in my field was NOT an option, I just needed a job and I needed it quickly!

So my bestie, she worked at the Hyatt and she heard they were hiring.  A week later, I was working at Hyatt in the Engineering department, making 3.50 less an hour. So much for those plans I had. And so much for trying to get back to what God had shut up in my bones as far as dance was concerned. I told God I was going to eventually go to school for dance after I got my money straight. I needed more money! In fact, to make up for the difference in funds, In 2009, I took a 2nd job at state farm. So I was working 8-5 at hyatt and 545 to 945 at state farm. What a life!

NOTE: don't mess up your own plan by not being a good stewart of your open door. sure i saved a little, but mostly, i did what i didn't have a chance to do when i didn't have the money before. I travelled a little, i ate out more than usual... it was just not what the 2nd job was supposed to be about!
After about 11 months of going like that, I knew I had to make a change, again, I went back to WHAT MAKES SENSE TO ME! So I researched ways to add on to my degree. One of those ways was the medical technologist program at FCCJ. The program alone, when completed you were a lab tech. But if you had a science bachelors. When you completed the program, you were a lab scientist. Made sense to me. So in spring of 2010, I joined the program.

After one semester, I finally stepped up and did what God had been trying to get me to do. I changed my major to entertainment technology and dance. The scariest yet most liberating moment of my life.
The story does not go smooth from there. But this particular blog definitely should stop here so we can get to the lessons.

LEARN FROM MY LIFE!
Always consult God. For everything. He says in his word that they that hunger and thirst after righteousness shall be filled. If you’re seeking him for the right move, he loves that and he wants to answer.

What makes sense isn’t always the right answer, and what doesn’t make sense isn’t always the wrong answer.
Don’t be afraid to make the wrong move. God would rather you make a wrong move trying to follow him and he guide you back to where he wants you, then you sit and do nothing b/c you’re not sure of anything.

You HAVE to believe the statement that all things work together for good. If not, then everytime a plan falls apart, you will find your self depressed, believing you’re a failure, or doubting your ability to hear from God, or worse, doubting God.
My career path has went to Timbuktu and back. But what I have learned is that in those moments on the journey that appear to be “off course” he is teaching you. God is always showing you things about you and turning things around for his glory. There are assignments at every turn. People I never would have met, strength I never would have gained if I didn’t go down every single path I went.

Ask yourself, will you really do anything for his glory?
Realize once you give your life to Christ, there are somethings that are under your free will, but TRUST AND BELIEVE, he don’t play about that sovereign thing. And when he gets ready to do something, that’s a wrap. Like for real no discussion at all.

My next blog? How to keep plugging away when obedience doesn’t seem to make things much better.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

The Intro to my Decade of Dissabration

I think it was when I was a senior in high school when I had my first major blows concerning Discouragement. I mean I am the product of divorced parents and had a member of my immediate family that was on and off addicted to crack (causing loss of cars,home/apartments, etc..), so dark times, tragedy, devastation, no big. I think I’m more used to tragedy than peace, truth be told. It’s made evident in the fact that when things are going well for I dunno any longer than a month, I start to look over my shoulder.  

So no I am not speaking of the inevitable “rough times,” no  what I am speaking of is let downs, disappointments… disturbances if you will.

The last 10 years (my twenties) have been an absolute doozy.

The question on the table is, when your plan miserably fails, when what should be the natural next step never happens, or when happenstance interrupts your course, what do you do? How do you recover?

This blog will be a series of reflections, lessons and impartations. It will force me to look at my past and present self, be transparent and walk out what I’m writing about.

But before I can break it down into mini nuggets, I think I owe you a timeline of errrr… lets just call them dissabrations (dissappointments and celebrations). There are so many moments but I will limit this to those that impacted what I will be discussing in future blogs.

2001 - I graduated high school valedictorian. I also got dumped by my high school sweet heart who I’d been dating since freshman year. I also found out that although I was a valedictorian, I didn’t have the bomb scholarship I thought all valedictorians automatically get.  I got accepted to UNF and got a non renewable 1 year grant.

2002 – I started dating the man of my dreams. College sweetheart was in full effect! I also started attending YVOG, an amazing campus bible study. I met my sister Leslie. I joined Bethel Baptist Institutional Church.

2003 – I started on the pre-pharmacy track, became a CPhT and worked at Walgreens.

2004 – I left Walgreens and started a job that compensated my school schedule, a private hospice company that employed pharmacy tech. I moved into my own apartment. I joined a singing group.

2005 – I left UNF for a year and completed the program to become a licensed massage therapist. My pharm job was moved to Alabama, forcing me to take a downsizing package. I was a stage manager for the 1st time. I met my bestie. I joined dance ministry at church.

2006 – I started taking ballet classes at a local studio for the first time in my life! I worked at a neuromuscular massage clinic. It went out of business.

2007 – I pledged Delta Sigma Theta sorority and I “unofficially” graduated college with my Biology degree. Several fall outs with with close family members.

2008 – My 2nd dad passed away, I was hired and ten months later was downsized from my “grown up job” at Vistakon, my college sweetheart broke up with me, I “officially” graduated college. I met the YVOG eboard crew. I went up 4 dress sizes.

2009 – Started YVOG praise dancers. I started and ended 2nd job at state farm.

2010 – I started program at FSCJ to for Medical Technologist (fancy word for lab scientist) only to switch to Entertainment Technology/Dance. I left my job for a better gig, from which I was fired from not meeting quota. I attended campus harvest for 1st time. I started sending promise scriptures.

2011 – I had to pause school. I was hired as a stage manager for a theater production company for 1st time. I was hired to my 2nd “grown up job.” I quit my 2nd “grown up job.” I was  hired to a “less grown up” job. I joined my first pre-professional dance company. My immediate family moved in with me. I became an auntie. I joined choir at church. I went down 2 dress sizes. I was delivered from opinions.

2012 – I went down 2 more dress sizes. I FULLY let go of my past relationships. I rejoined dance ministry at church. I got hired for 1st time as a production manager. I got a place with a family member. I moved out of the place with my family member. My church did Team 52. I started a new relationship. I started a 2nd job.

It’s a lot right? So many changes. So many starts and stops. WELCOME TO MY LIFE. If you follow this blog, you will learn so much. About careers, relationships, finances. About discernment, decision making, how following God can make you look crazy.

Thanks for coming along for the ride.








My next blog? Will be What God says versus what I said versus what makes sense: how to balance it all.