Sunday, April 14, 2013

The lessons of all lessons: ending my decade

So 2011 & 2012 were dynamic years for so many reasons. It was probably the most monumental year of my life as far as milestones for inner growth.  I learned…

Trusting God

2011 started with me still trying to recover from the setbacks of losing my job in 2010 brought. I felt my future slipping even further and further away. I was blessed to find a great paying salaried job at the end of January. Of course I got excited. It was a big moment, I got published in a couple papers for it, and it was a business I believed in. But as has been the trend, it wouldn’t last too long. Between dealing with a manager that was new to the role and didn’t always necessarily treat me the same as the others and an older coworker that crossed a few boundaries without being counseled from management, my peace was a struggle. The breaking point was when, this previously mentioned older gentleman’s on and off young girlfriend set her sights on me as being the reason that they were on and off and began stalking me at the work place. With no help from management, I had to go as far as getting a restraining order and at that point I decided this amazing salary wasn’t worth it, and after 5 short months, I set my sights else where, and I’ve been happy ever since.

This taught me about TRUSTING GOD in a new way. I think before this point I was trusting him to get me out or to get me to where I’m trying to go. After this, I realized it’s not about trusting God for where im trying to go, but trusting him wherever I’m currently at.  Whether I’m a bum on the street, whether I’m in a mid level job, or at the top of the class. GOD CAN TAKE CARE OF ME WHEREVER I AM. HE CAN GIVE ME WHAT I NEED IN ANY LOT IN LIFE.

This was so essential for me, because for once, change didn’t scare me as much. Because no matter the change, the down grade or upgrade, I can trust God to be present.

Prioritizing people

While all this was happening at work, the dynamics with my interactions with people also were at an all-time high.

I had a lifelong trend of trying to be looked upon with favor.  I wanted people to think well of me, and I wanted people to think highly of me and I wanted people to understand me, and I wanted people to believe in me and that I could be great. And if ever that didn’t happen, I’d feel hurt, feel the need to prove myself or explain myself, or I’d get offended. I had high expectations for everyone I called close.

It partially stemmed from the fact that outside of my “organizational skills” or my being smart, or my being a knowledgeable Christian, my name was never called or I wasn’t really thought of. But I kept thinking hey im more than that. Don’t you think I’m pretty? Don’t you think I can dance? Don’t you think I’m fun?

Well all this seeking for that other recognition, it manifested in my friendships and “acquaintanceships” sometimes and it got bad.

On the offended end, I was offended by not getting invited to events, friends' absence from events I invited them too, friends not sharing big news with me… all those things made me feel some type of way.

The opposite was the being hurt end…One friend I thought the world of and her approval meant everything. Well at this time in my life she decided to stop talking to me. She was hanging out with everyone else and not me. I kept wondering what I did wrong and it affected me to the point that I got full on depressed, lost my appetite and everything.

In my gift of dance it manifested in that part of the reason I danced became proving that I could. I joined a local dance company and the experience wasn’t as great for me as it should’ve been because part of it became me wanting a level of recognition that I never fully got. Wanting your name called, is that why any Christian should dance? SMH…

So after my spirit being broken enough times and after being disappointed, or hurt by the people around me enough times, I had to just have one of MANY come to Jesus meetings. It was in sharing with one of my spiritual confidants, and much prayer that God gave me .

  1. I was confusing friendships with assignments. In other words, people are assigned to me. I should not be expecting anything out of it or anything back from them. Expect them to leave and don't invest your heart. Invest your time and invest God. Give them God don't give them you. So no matter what happens, you will be ok. i hadn't been doing a good job of guarding my heart. and covering myself. I was there to give God not me. I'm here to minister not get all these bffs that i want to always have my back and stand by my side. that’s not what these types of relationships are supposed to be.

    so when interacting with people, be open be kind be willing to spend time. be willing to be used in their life. but don't make it personal b/c its not. its about them, God and you're the vessel he chose for them to fellowship with at that time. when God puts them on your heart, call em. but if people ignore or dont call back or invite you places or tell you secrets or include you, what does that have to do with the assignment. that's personal.

    I needed to learn to take tiffany out of it.
2. I had a spirit of idolatry. I was worshiping other people as in their opinions of me and doing anything to keep myself in good standing with them.
and i thought about it, if i can loose sleep and not eat over someone not answering a text or someone ignoring me or the thought of someone being mad at me. it has to be a curse b/c its definitely not a blessing and definitely not of God. God gave me jer 17:5-7.
i made a decision no more! not to let people's opinions of me matter so much. its so easy for that to seem a "duh" but EVERYBODY wants to be like or approved of in life, but you CAN’T let that approval become the level of idolizing

Letting go of love

After I grasped this, and it didn’t happen overnight, I can truly say now that I live freer. I dance free and I love free. I don’t expect much out of anyone and I don’t pressure anyone to play any role in my life. Life is truly more fun and it’s so much easier to live not taking things personally every other minute. There was just one more thing….


There was one wonderful man that my focus was on from the age of 19 up until last year. We were friends, we dated for several years and we became friends again.

During all those years, I believed and felt it had been confirmed to me and several others in my life, that this would be my husband. For most of those years, he felt the same way.

Unfortunately, time changes things and time can also bring questions marks and uncertainty.

We have moved on with our lives, but he is still a dear friend and an amazing man.

However I’d be lying if I didn’t say that for a while the rises or falls affected me emotionally, self-esteem wise and in many cases even my faith. For someone that worship people’s opinions, when the man you love and think you’re going to marry, “appears” to not be pleased with you in one way or another (physically, personality wise, spiritually, etc…) it can take it’s toll.

I write about this because I think it’s important for women to know:

  1. Don’t be your own worst enemy.  In love don’t make it all about you. Sometimes a person can be dealing with things or working through things that have nothing to do with you.  Don’t let your low esteem fuel firesa nd cause you to loose your mind and make things harder on your special someone. Sometimes you can self sabotage.
  2. Time is precious. Don’t give anyone years to make decisions about your status in their life. Even if God told you something, if he didn’t tell you when.  Just write down what God said, put it away, and don’t change your life focus on God until God puts it in your path and you’ll know it’s time. And if it never happens, life goes on and don’t let it affect your belief in anything else God told you.
  3. God is a gentleman, and he’s not going to force anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. Don’t try to supercede God’s free will by forcing someone you love to do anything. MOREOVER, if you’re having to force someone you love to do something, that maybe an indicator of something.
  4.  Never settle or believe that you couldn’t get better. Never be anyone’s secret. If you’re in a man’s life, there’s a difference between discretion and secrecy. If a man loves you, he’ll be telling the world, he’ll be screaming it from the roof tops and he won’t make you wait too long. Men in love CAN’T WAIT to marry her and they won’t drag their feet too long.        
  5. Men in love won’t be opening too many doors to emotionally bonding, spending one on one time and connecting with other women on the road to marriage. He’ll be focusing on getting himself where he needs to be to prepare for you. If he is doing anything other than that, he’s not ready yet. And THAT’s ok. It doesn’t make him a bad guy, just makes him a guy that’s not ready or is not sure and may still be looking for his special someone and making sure it’s you.                                                                                                                                                       NOTE: If a man is only 90% sure, you have to decide how long you're comfortable waiting for that 90% to go to 100% or to 0%. Only you know the answer to that. And you can't always go by what he says, because if part of him is unsure, he's not gonna tell you because he doesn't want to risk losing you while he figures out what he ultimately wants. He may need more time and you have to decide if you're ok with that.
  6.  Love ending doesn’t have to be nasty. Respect is always the right choice. If he was good enough for you to date, he is good enough for you to respect afterwards.  No need to bad mouth him, any one he dated or is dating, and no need to not continue to pray for and root for whatever his future holds.

So as you can see thru these blogs, from 19 to 29 was full of life lessons, heartache, and even a few victories. A song I’ve been listening to lately, “Greater is Coming” Jekalyn Carr and it best describes my Decade of Dissabration (Dissappointment and Celebration):

If it had not been for the shaking,

I never would have been ready for the making, no

If it had not been for the beating,

I would have never knew how anointed I would be.

If it had not been for the pressing,

I wouldn't be able to walk into my destiny.

He's preparing me, preparing me, preparing me for greater...


NEXT BLOG: Turning lessons into future applications: Refocusing on my future

No comments:

Post a Comment