So 2011 & 2012 were dynamic years for so many reasons. It
was probably the most monumental year of my life as far as milestones for inner
growth. I learned…
Trusting God
2011 started with me still trying to recover from the
setbacks of losing my job in 2010 brought. I felt my future slipping even
further and further away. I was blessed to find a great paying salaried job at
the end of January. Of course I got excited. It was a big moment, I got
published in a couple papers for it, and it was a business I believed in. But
as has been the trend, it wouldn’t last too long. Between dealing with a
manager that was new to the role and didn’t always necessarily treat me the
same as the others and an older coworker that crossed a few boundaries without
being counseled from management, my peace was a struggle. The breaking point
was when, this previously mentioned older gentleman’s on and off young
girlfriend set her sights on me as being the reason that they were on and off
and began stalking me at the work place. With no help from management, I had to
go as far as getting a restraining order and at that point I decided this
amazing salary wasn’t worth it, and after 5 short months, I set my sights else
where, and I’ve been happy ever since.
This taught me about TRUSTING GOD in a new way. I think
before this point I was trusting him to get me out or to get me to where I’m
trying to go. After this, I realized it’s not about trusting God for where im
trying to go, but trusting him wherever I’m currently at. Whether I’m a bum on the street, whether I’m
in a mid level job, or at the top of the class. GOD CAN TAKE CARE OF ME
WHEREVER I AM. HE CAN GIVE ME WHAT I NEED IN ANY LOT IN LIFE.
This was so essential for me, because for once, change didn’t
scare me as much. Because no matter the change, the down grade or upgrade, I
can trust God to be present.
Prioritizing people
While all this was happening at work, the dynamics with my
interactions with people also were at an all-time high.
I had a lifelong trend of trying to be looked upon with
favor. I wanted people to think well of
me, and I wanted people to think highly of me and I wanted people to understand
me, and I wanted people to believe in me and that I could be great. And if ever
that didn’t happen, I’d feel hurt, feel the need to prove myself or explain
myself, or I’d get offended. I had high expectations for everyone I called
close.
It partially stemmed from the fact that outside of my “organizational
skills” or my being smart, or my being a knowledgeable Christian, my name was
never called or I wasn’t really thought of. But I kept thinking hey im more
than that. Don’t you think I’m pretty? Don’t you think I can dance? Don’t you
think I’m fun?
Well all this seeking for that other recognition, it
manifested in my friendships and “acquaintanceships” sometimes and it got bad.
On the offended end, I was offended by not getting invited to events, friends' absence
from events I invited them too, friends not sharing big news with me… all those things
made me feel some type of way.
The opposite was the being hurt end…One friend I thought the
world of and her approval meant everything. Well at this time in my life she
decided to stop talking to me. She was hanging out with everyone else and not
me. I kept wondering what I did wrong and it affected me to the point that I got
full on depressed, lost my appetite and everything.
In my gift of dance it manifested in that part of the reason
I danced became proving that I could. I joined a local dance company and the
experience wasn’t as great for me as it should’ve been because part of it
became me wanting a level of recognition that I never fully got. Wanting your
name called, is that why any Christian should dance? SMH…
So after my spirit being broken enough times and after being
disappointed, or hurt by the people around me enough times, I had to just have
one of MANY come to Jesus meetings. It was in sharing with one of my spiritual
confidants, and much prayer that God gave me .
- I was confusing
friendships with assignments. In other words, people are assigned to me. I
should not be expecting anything out of it or anything back from them. Expect
them to leave and don't invest your heart. Invest your time and invest
God. Give them God don't give them you. So no matter what happens, you
will be ok. i hadn't been doing a good job of guarding my heart. and
covering myself. I was there to give God not me. I'm here to minister not
get all these bffs that i want to always have my back and stand by my
side. that’s not what these types of relationships are supposed to be.
so when interacting with people, be open be kind be willing to spend time. be willing to be used in their life. but don't make it personal b/c its not. its about them, God and you're the vessel he chose for them to fellowship with at that time. when God puts them on your heart, call em. but if people ignore or dont call back or invite you places or tell you secrets or include you, what does that have to do with the assignment. that's personal.
I needed to learn to take tiffany out of it.
2. I had a spirit of
idolatry. I was worshiping other people as in their opinions of me and
doing anything to keep myself in good standing with them.
and i thought about it, if i can loose sleep and not eat over someone not answering a text or someone ignoring me or the thought of someone being mad at me. it has to be a curse b/c its definitely not a blessing and definitely not of God. God gave me jer 17:5-7.
i made a decision no more! not to let people's opinions of me matter so much. its so easy for that to seem a "duh" but EVERYBODY wants to be like or approved of in life, but you CAN’T let that approval become the level of idolizing
and i thought about it, if i can loose sleep and not eat over someone not answering a text or someone ignoring me or the thought of someone being mad at me. it has to be a curse b/c its definitely not a blessing and definitely not of God. God gave me jer 17:5-7.
i made a decision no more! not to let people's opinions of me matter so much. its so easy for that to seem a "duh" but EVERYBODY wants to be like or approved of in life, but you CAN’T let that approval become the level of idolizing
Letting go of love
After I grasped this, and it didn’t happen overnight, I can
truly say now that I live freer. I dance free and I love free. I don’t expect
much out of anyone and I don’t pressure anyone to play any role in my life. Life
is truly more fun and it’s so much easier to live not taking things personally
every other minute. There was just one more thing….
Love.
There was one wonderful man that my focus was on from the
age of 19 up until last year. We were friends, we dated for several years and we
became friends again.
During all those years, I believed and felt it had been
confirmed to me and several others in my life, that this would be my husband. For
most of those years, he felt the same way.
Unfortunately, time changes things and time can also bring
questions marks and uncertainty.
We have moved on with our lives, but he is still a dear
friend and an amazing man.
However I’d be lying if I didn’t say that for a while the
rises or falls affected me emotionally, self-esteem wise and in many cases even
my faith. For someone that worship people’s opinions, when the man you love and
think you’re going to marry, “appears” to not be pleased with you in one way or
another (physically, personality wise, spiritually, etc…) it can take it’s
toll.
I write about this because I think it’s important for women
to know:
- Don’t be your own worst enemy. In love don’t make it all about you. Sometimes a person can be dealing with things or working through things that have nothing to do with you. Don’t let your low esteem fuel firesa nd cause you to loose your mind and make things harder on your special someone. Sometimes you can self sabotage.
- Time is precious. Don’t give anyone years to make decisions about your status in their life. Even if God told you something, if he didn’t tell you when. Just write down what God said, put it away, and don’t change your life focus on God until God puts it in your path and you’ll know it’s time. And if it never happens, life goes on and don’t let it affect your belief in anything else God told you.
- God is a gentleman, and he’s
not going to force anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. Don’t try
to supercede God’s free will by forcing someone you love to do anything.
MOREOVER, if you’re having to force someone you love to do something, that
maybe an indicator of something.
- Never settle or believe that you couldn’t get better. Never be anyone’s secret. If you’re in a man’s life, there’s a difference between discretion and secrecy. If a man loves you, he’ll be telling the world, he’ll be screaming it from the roof tops and he won’t make you wait too long. Men in love CAN’T WAIT to marry her and they won’t drag their feet too long.
- Men in love won’t be opening too many doors to emotionally bonding, spending one on one time and connecting with other women on the road to marriage. He’ll be focusing on getting himself where he needs to be to prepare for you. If he is doing anything other than that, he’s not ready yet. And THAT’s ok. It doesn’t make him a bad guy, just makes him a guy that’s not ready or is not sure and may still be looking for his special someone and making sure it’s you. NOTE: If a man is only 90% sure, you have to decide how long you're comfortable waiting for that 90% to go to 100% or to 0%. Only you know the answer to that. And you can't always go by what he says, because if part of him is unsure, he's not gonna tell you because he doesn't want to risk losing you while he figures out what he ultimately wants. He may need more time and you have to decide if you're ok with that.
- Love ending doesn’t have to be nasty.
Respect is always the right choice. If he was good enough for you to date,
he is good enough for you to respect afterwards. No need to bad mouth him, any one he
dated or is dating, and no need to not continue to pray for and root for
whatever his future holds.
So as you can see thru these blogs, from 19 to 29 was full
of life lessons, heartache, and even a few victories. A song I’ve been
listening to lately, “Greater is Coming” Jekalyn Carr and it best describes my
Decade of Dissabration (Dissappointment and Celebration):
If it had not been for the shaking,
I never would have been ready for the making, no
If it had not been for the beating,
I would have never knew how anointed I would be.
If it had not been for the pressing,
I wouldn't be able to walk into my destiny.
He's preparing me, preparing me, preparing me for greater...
NEXT BLOG: Turning lessons into future applications: Refocusing
on my future
