The lessons of all lessons: ending my decade

So 2011 & 2012 were dynamic years for so many reasons. It was probably the most monumental year of my life as far as milestones for inner growth.  I learned…

Trusting God

2011 started with me still trying to recover from the setbacks of losing my job in 2010 brought. I felt my future slipping even further and further away. I was blessed to find a great paying salaried job at the end of January. Of course I got excited. It was a big moment, I got published in a couple papers for it, and it was a business I believed in. But as has been the trend, it wouldn’t last too long. Between dealing with a manager that was new to the role and didn’t always necessarily treat me the same as the others and an older coworker that crossed a few boundaries without being counseled from management, my peace was a struggle. The breaking point was when, this previously mentioned older gentleman’s on and off young girlfriend set her sights on me as being the reason that they were on and off and began stalking me at the work place. With no help from management, I had to go as far as getting a restraining order and at that point I decided this amazing salary wasn’t worth it, and after 5 short months, I set my sights else where, and I’ve been happy ever since.

This taught me about TRUSTING GOD in a new way. I think before this point I was trusting him to get me out or to get me to where I’m trying to go. After this, I realized it’s not about trusting God for where im trying to go, but trusting him wherever I’m currently at.  Whether I’m a bum on the street, whether I’m in a mid level job, or at the top of the class. GOD CAN TAKE CARE OF ME WHEREVER I AM. HE CAN GIVE ME WHAT I NEED IN ANY LOT IN LIFE.

This was so essential for me, because for once, change didn’t scare me as much. Because no matter the change, the down grade or upgrade, I can trust God to be present.

Prioritizing people

While all this was happening at work, the dynamics with my interactions with people also were at an all-time high.

I had a lifelong trend of trying to be looked upon with favor.  I wanted people to think well of me, and I wanted people to think highly of me and I wanted people to understand me, and I wanted people to believe in me and that I could be great. And if ever that didn’t happen, I’d feel hurt, feel the need to prove myself or explain myself, or I’d get offended. I had high expectations for everyone I called close.

It partially stemmed from the fact that outside of my “organizational skills” or my being smart, or my being a knowledgeable Christian, my name was never called or I wasn’t really thought of. But I kept thinking hey im more than that. Don’t you think I’m pretty? Don’t you think I can dance? Don’t you think I’m fun?

Well all this seeking for that other recognition, it manifested in my friendships and “acquaintanceships” sometimes and it got bad.

On the offended end, I was offended by not getting invited to events, friends' absence from events I invited them too, friends not sharing big news with me… all those things made me feel some type of way.

The opposite was the being hurt end…One friend I thought the world of and her approval meant everything. Well at this time in my life she decided to stop talking to me. She was hanging out with everyone else and not me. I kept wondering what I did wrong and it affected me to the point that I got full on depressed, lost my appetite and everything.

In my gift of dance it manifested in that part of the reason I danced became proving that I could. I joined a local dance company and the experience wasn’t as great for me as it should’ve been because part of it became me wanting a level of recognition that I never fully got. Wanting your name called, is that why any Christian should dance? SMH…

So after my spirit being broken enough times and after being disappointed, or hurt by the people around me enough times, I had to just have one of MANY come to Jesus meetings. It was in sharing with one of my spiritual confidants, and much prayer that God gave me .

1. I was confusing friendships with assignments. In other words, people are assigned to me. I should not be expecting anything out of it or anything back from them. Expect them to leave and don't invest your heart. Invest your time and invest God. Give them God don't give them you. So no matter what happens, you will be ok. i hadn't been doing a good job of guarding my heart. and covering myself. I was there to give God not me. I'm here to minister not get all these bffs that i want to always have my back and stand by my side. that’s not what these types of relationships are supposed to be.
   
   so when interacting with people, be open be kind be willing to spend time. be willing to be used in their life. but don't make it personal b/c its not. its about them, God and you're the vessel he chose for them to fellowship with at that time. when God puts them on your heart, call em. but if people ignore or dont call back or invite you places or tell you secrets or include you, what does that have to do with the assignment. that's personal.
   
   I needed to learn to take tiffany out of it.

 

2. I had a spirit of idolatry. I was worshiping other people as in their opinions of me and doing anything to keep myself in good standing with them.
and i thought about it, if i can loose sleep and not eat over someone not answering a text or someone ignoring me or the thought of someone being mad at me. it has to be a curse b/c its definitely not a blessing and definitely not of God. God gave me jer 17:5-7.
i made a decision no more! not to let people's opinions of me matter so much. its so easy for that to seem a "duh" but EVERYBODY wants to be like or approved of in life, but you CAN’T let that approval become the level of idolizing

Letting go of love

After I grasped this, and it didn’t happen overnight, I can truly say now that I live freer. I dance free and I love free. I don’t expect much out of anyone and I don’t pressure anyone to play any role in my life. Life is truly more fun and it’s so much easier to live not taking things personally every other minute. There was just one more thing….

Love.

There was one wonderful man that my focus was on from the age of 19 up until last year. We were friends, we dated for several years and we became friends again.

During all those years, I believed and felt it had been confirmed to me and several others in my life, that this would be my husband. For most of those years, he felt the same way.

Unfortunately, time changes things and time can also bring questions marks and uncertainty.

We have moved on with our lives, but he is still a dear friend and an amazing man.

However I’d be lying if I didn’t say that for a while the rises or falls affected me emotionally, self-esteem wise and in many cases even my faith. For someone that worship people’s opinions, when the man you love and think you’re going to marry, “appears” to not be pleased with you in one way or another (physically, personality wise, spiritually, etc…) it can take it’s toll.

I write about this because I think it’s important for women to know:

1. Don’t be your own worst enemy.  In love don’t make it all about you. Sometimes a person can be dealing with things or working through things that have nothing to do with you.  Don’t let your low esteem fuel firesa nd cause you to loose your mind and make things harder on your special someone. Sometimes you can self sabotage.
2. Time is precious. Don’t give anyone years to make decisions about your status in their life. Even if God told you something, if he didn’t tell you when.  Just write down what God said, put it away, and don’t change your life focus on God until God puts it in your path and you’ll know it’s time. And if it never happens, life goes on and don’t let it affect your belief in anything else God told you.
3. God is a gentleman, and he’s not going to force anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. Don’t try to supercede God’s free will by forcing someone you love to do anything. MOREOVER, if you’re having to force someone you love to do something, that maybe an indicator of something.
4.  Never settle or believe that you couldn’t get better. Never be anyone’s secret. If you’re in a man’s life, there’s a difference between discretion and secrecy. If a man loves you, he’ll be telling the world, he’ll be screaming it from the roof tops and he won’t make you wait too long. Men in love CAN’T WAIT to marry her and they won’t drag their feet too long.        
5. Men in love won’t be opening too many doors to emotionally bonding, spending one on one time and connecting with other women on the road to marriage. He’ll be focusing on getting himself where he needs to be to prepare for you. If he is doing anything other than that, he’s not ready yet. And THAT’s ok. It doesn’t make him a bad guy, just makes him a guy that’s not ready or is not sure and may still be looking for his special someone and making sure it’s you.                                                                                                                                                       NOTE: If a man is only 90% sure, you have to decide how long you're comfortable waiting for that 90% to go to 100% or to 0%. Only you know the answer to that. And you can't always go by what he says, because if part of him is unsure, he's not gonna tell you because he doesn't want to risk losing you while he figures out what he ultimately wants. He may need more time and you have to decide if you're ok with that.
6.  Love ending doesn’t have to be nasty. Respect is always the right choice. If he was good enough for you to date, he is good enough for you to respect afterwards.  No need to bad mouth him, any one he dated or is dating, and no need to not continue to pray for and root for whatever his future holds.

So as you can see thru these blogs, from 19 to 29 was full of life lessons, heartache, and even a few victories. A song I’ve been listening to lately, “Greater is Coming” Jekalyn Carr and it best describes my Decade of Dissabration (Dissappointment and Celebration):

If it had not been for the shaking,

I never would have been ready for the making, no

If it had not been for the beating,

I would have never knew how anointed I would be.

If it had not been for the pressing,

I wouldn't be able to walk into my destiny.

He's preparing me, preparing me, preparing me for greater...

 

NEXT BLOG: Turning lessons into future applications: Refocusing on my future

I’m being obedient, so now what?: The journey to my future career and education continues

If this is your first view and you haven’t viewed the blog “What God says versus what I said” you may want to read it because it’s PART 1 of the blogs that share my journey over the last 10 years through my career and education as well as what I learned on the way.

So the summer of 2010 started brightly. Although I was back to 1 job only at Hyatt job so I could pursue my 2^nd degree, needs were still being met. My first semester going to school for my gifts, was unlike any feeling I ever had in a classroom. I was majoring in Entertainment Technology (stage management, stage tech and stage craft) and taking classes in the dance program there, and I was in heaven.

There’s this feeling that comes soon after you make scary obedience move, that lets you know you did the right thing. Some call it peace, others call it confirmation. I just know that FINALLY I was where I was supposed to be.

Something about me, I LOVE the arts, especially the performing arts and most definitely Christian performing arts. I love it all: the creative process, stage management, the technical side, the rehearsal process and of course being on the stage. And I personally believe that Christian performing arts are not just for “good clean entertainment” or just for a means to praise & worship our God, but also they are a very effective way to open up hearts and minds to see what thus saith the Lord. If done well, they can be a sermon though those arts. I believe that Christian performing arts can draw souls to Christ and can lead to salvation. Music, visuals, song and dance can reach areas inside some types of people that words can’t.

You can have a passion or natural talent for something and just do it not really think more on it, but if you’re like me, God will get ahold of you and GOD will be like NO REST UNTIL YOU WALK THIS OUT AT THE LEVEL I HAVE PLANNED FOR YOU TO DO IT!

I ENCOURAGE you to take your passions seriously. Ask God how far he wants you to go with it. Does he want it to be a career? Or just something to minister to yourself and community? Sometimes in the body of Christ we rely on our natural talent and whatever our ministry leaders impart into us. I challenge you that if you know you have a gift or talent and you want to use it for the kingdom, you should be the BEST at it you possibly can and give it more time than just whenever rehearsal meets. EDUCATE yourself on it! If there is ever a time that there should be excellence, it should be when you’re executing something for God’s glory and to draw people to Him.

So If you have a knack for doing sound, read up on sound and engineering! See if you can take some online classes at a schools that provides that. If you enjoy singing in your choir, GET a vocal coach! Learn how to read music. Learn some scales! If you have the gift of gab (teaching, motivational speaking, preaching) maybe take a speech class or join toast masters. DON’T. JUST. COAST.

*steps off soap box

So yes it felt good to be making moves towards what God has placed in me to be manifested in excellence.

Then, of course as is the course with my life, that 2^nd semester of 2010 (fall semester), I get denied for financial aid. Oh yes, too many credits. I even appealed and got denied, then I requested to meet with dean, he really wanted to help me but after its denied that’s it.

In this same span of time, seeing I wasn’t gonna have financial aid potentially, and also just deciding to take another stab at bachelors degree level employment, after 2 years at hyatt, I took a job offer for a company based in Orlando but that also let some people work from home in jax and Gainesville. It took me back to the $15 I was making before.

I went thru 3 interviews and had EVERYBODY praying, b/c I was so scared to make a move but so thirsty, yeah I said it thirsty, for better.  Well, I got it and everything went great for 2 weeks. Then the next 2 weeks, not so great. Well then all of a sudden when I called to log in, my log in wouldn’t work. I had to call them to see why and that was when they let me know THEY DECIDED TO LET ME GO!!!! OH LORD TAKE ME NOW!

But seriously I was kinda devastated. I had prayed on that thing and God gave me peace.'

And I was like ok God i finally did it i finally went to school for what YOU wanted me to go to school for and now i can't afford to go to school and can barely afford to live? huh?!?

So here’s the thing, when you think you’re following God and it leads you to a valley (sn: oh my bishop has preached about this!) don’t think oh I’m just not hearing him, or oh he’s trying to sabotage me. SOMETIMES God gives you a yes because he wants you to go down that road because he has a test there for you or a lesson for you to learn leads you to a test or to a place where you have to trust him more than ever.

So yes, as I have been breaking down the career/employment/education portion of my decade of dissabration you’ll see this hasn’t been the first downsize or failed attempt when I tried to make a positive change.

This time, I found myself making zero dollars! And although I was able to finish out that semester of school with a little help from mom, I not only wasn’t able to afford school, but now I wasn’t able to afford, well ANYTHING.

Oh my lamb, I can tell you the things I learned in this time were things I can use the rest of my life.

1. It was NEVER the job that supplied my needs. So if I ever loose a job again, I won’t fret b/c I REMEMBER watching God make miracle after miracle after miracle.

My phone was never cut off, I never got evicted, and although I had a car note, I never lost my car.

2. Your history can become your favor. When I had money, I helped everyone I could & I paid my bills on time. You know that thing about reaping what you sew is so real. All my bill collectors made arrangements with me. Friends allowed me to borrow lumpsums that I still can’t believe they did. my apartment complex, they took what they could and just worked with me on the rest just off of proof I was seeking employment.
3. When life just pistol whips you, don’t lay on the ground too long thinking WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED! Because life hasn’t stopped so there is still work to be done.
4. Don’t completely disappear and keep it all to yourself when you’re in devastating situations. Then, how can God use anyone to any doors, if people don’ t know the door needs opening. Silence in times of trial can truly be deadly. Your spirit can die, opportunities can die & even blessings, all b/c you chose to go at it COMPLETELY alone. Just because you didn’t want to “trouble” anyone.

 NOTE: If you’ve taken the prayer and consideration to surround yourself with good people and people God has ordained for your life, then sharing shouldn’t be a problem.

This came to life for me when just chatting with my wonderful , humble and loyal friend Chelsi Henry. She hired me as an intern during the fall 2010 campaign and it was paid. A great experience and I even made connections that I know that will be useful for me when its time to execute my visions (more on that later)

Election time ended and I was like well, what now God? Sure enough I joined a staffing agency and had temp holiday work at Cole Haan making $13 buck an hour.

Then I got hired as a temp for Allstate. And a gig that had no guaranteed length, continued to be extended and carried me over from after the election was over and the intern ship ended into the new year, 2011.

More lessons:

Let it burn. When God hasn’t told you to move but everything points towards you moving, you gotta let it burn and SIT STILL!

Turn the volume down on the anxiety and restless channel and turn it up on the Holy Spirit channel, let him comfort you. Let him show you what you are supposed to be learning in this season. Because if you don’t learn it, TRUST you’ll be back there again.

Obedience doesn’t mean smooth sailing, it just means covering; obedience doesn’t mean things won’t fall apart, its just means its God’s doing and you are covered by his promises that come with obedience.

Optimism can save your life. Did you know that the burden of negativity and hopelessness can physically weigh you down? so when you’re in a bad season, just remind yourself, “I WILL GET THROUGH THIS. THIS ISN’T A SITUATION THAT GOD IS UNEQUIPPED TO BRING ME THROUGH OR RESTORE ME FROM IF MY BIGGEST FEAR TAKES PLACE”

Scriptures that took me through this time, if you’re going thru ANYTHING like this, get yo spiritual food on!

Isa. 55:8 NLT "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.

Rom. 8:28 NIV “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Gal. 6:9 NLT “So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up.”

2 Cor 12:9 NLT “Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”

Matt 6:26-27 NIV “²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

MY NEXT BLOG: Do you remember why you’re doing this?

Sometimes you forget what your motive is and just start doing it to prove something to the world.